Orochimaru Vs Voldemort
by Koibitotedare
Summary: What would happen if Orochimaru fought Voldemort in Konoha? And why is the Hokage just watching? no parings and some ooc. No paring; this is only made for humor purposes. Some Language


**Me: Okay this is the revised version of the story, much better in my opinion. :D Enjoy! **

**Orochimaru vs. Voldemort**

To say that Voldemort would be an understatement, a very _large_ understatement; he was pissed, and what may the Dark Lord be pissed about? Why that Potter brat of course. Everything just had to go to the Potter brat, everything! Voldemort couldn't even have a peaceful evening of torturing his loyal followers without it being _ruined_ by that Potter. Potter was lucky that his teachers had jumped in to save him, lucky. Now Voldemort was stuck in some unfamiliar land after their battle. Two spells went astray and clashed with another spell in some sort of horrifying clash that created a black hole, Potter was _once again_ saved by his precious Head Master while Voldemort had been sucked into the black hole and spit out into some strange land.

As he continued to walk he saw a forest ahead, it was large and green, and yet there was a sinister feeling coming from it. Voldemort grinned as he neared, perhaps he could get more followers. He would need more that were loyal to his side. Just as he was about to cross into the forest five figures clad in all black and masks jumped down. They're stances looked relaxed to the untrained eye but Voldemort knew better, they were preparing for a fight.

"State your business, Citizen." One called out to him. Voldemort could feel his slight grin fall. How _dare_ they address him as such! He pulled his wand receiving tensed muscles and weary eyes. A sick grin etched its way into Voldemorts expression.

"Crucio!" He growled. The man fell to the ground withering and screaming begging for an end. Voldemort frowned in disapproval. How could someone be begging already, even Potter lasted longer than this. Perhaps these people were too weak to be on his side. They were better dead. Ending the curse Voldemort looked to the others who had drawn strange looking weapons, but he wouldn't give them a chance to use them.

"Halt!" One yelled as he took a step forward, "Put your weapon down!" Voldemorts frown deepened when he noticed the shaking of the man's legs. Shaking his bald head he moved forward another step and a weapon whizzed past his head.

"Avada Kedavra!" Voldemorts voice sounded sickening as the man crumpled to the ground next to his suffering partner. Fear stopped the weaklings quickly but they recovered just as fast. However Voldemort was faster.

"Imperio!" He yelled and forced one of the men clad in black to attack the other two. They tried to fight back without hurting their comrade but failed as the man killed them. Voldemort then forced the man to kill himself. Voldemort stepped over to the last soldier who was still withering on the ground from his first curse.

"Don't fret." He started in a falsely sweet voice, "I am a gracious lord." He said as he pointed his wand at the man's heaving chest and killed him with the two forbidden words then continued on his way into the forest.

Orochimaru growled in anger as he approached the leaf village. How _dare_ that Kyubbi brat steal _his_ container! How DARE he. Not only did that obnoxious _brat_ succeed in getting his Uchiha back, but he managed to get him to come back _willingly_! Well the young Uchiha would have to pay dearly for that, but nothing to damaging to his container. He saw the large gates of the village before him and was about to go around to sneak in undetected when he saw a man that looked similar to him, except his was bald. What was he playing at? Copying _him_ the great Orochimaru! How dare he, Orochimaru would have to teach him a lesson! But not now, as much as he hated impostors he _hated_ the fact that his container was getting cozy in Konoha again. Growling he turned away from the man clad in strange robes before jumping over the high walls undetected, and ignoring the man's call for him to wait. He followed Sasuke's chakra signature to the training grounds where he and his whole team was sparring. He didn't want to stay long so he would have to wait until Sasuke was alone and knowing the angsty teen he would be finding reasons to leave quickly enough.

Voldemort growled as he was ignored by this impostor. The man looked like him and that would not and could not be tolerated! Not only that but he had deliberately ignored Voldemort's orders! Punishment would _not _be swift. Oh yes, Voldemort would torture the scum. While it was slightly nice to be admired, looking like him like that stranger was would not be tolerated! Voldemort growled lowly and followed after the stranger over a wall and into what seemed like a village. He followed the man intent on making him pay when he saw the man looking at four people.

One had bright blond hair and looked obnoxious with bright orange clothing talking loudly to a girl with bubblegum pink hair that made Voldemort feel sick. She looked annoyed and the pink eyebrow above emerald eyes twitched periodically. There was another boy who stood off to the side with arms crossed and black eyes narrowed in annoyance, his hair was just the dark color of his eyes and it created an inky aura of darkness around the boy. The last was an adult with silver hair and one eye covered up. Despite his lazy appearance, Voldemort was sure that he would be a tough opponent. Upon looking at all of them, he noticed they all wore headbands with some sort of marking on them; it almost looked like a snail…or perhaps a twisted version of a leaf? Voldemort looked to the shadows where the other man had been hiding but the impostor was gone! Voldemort jumped from the trees and landing in the clearing scanning for the impostor; upon seeing him the pink haired one screamed…loudly.

"Orochimaru!" The black haired one spat holding out a protective arm in front of his comrades.

"You've gone bald?" The blond one asked while cocking his head to the side.

"Orochimaru? No you morons! I'm the most feared wizard of all! I am Lord Voldemort!" Voldemort said proudly hoping to show these kids who he really was before he killed them. The pink haired one let out another hair splitting scream.

"Sakura!" The black haired one yelled in annoyance, "Shut up we don't even know who he is!"

"I…I do." She mumbled fearfully. Good, Voldemort thought, at least there's one who knows of my strength.

"You do? Who is he then?" The blond one asked curiously as the silver headed one stood and moved to stand in front of the children.

"He who shall not be named." She answered meekly while reaching behind her to pull out a thick book. It read, _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_, "He's in this book; the main character is a boy named Harry Potter, and this guy wants to kill him because his parents refused to turn to his side. _The dark side._" She whispered, "But Harry survived the killing curse at age one and now he shall not be named is after the poor kid!" She said with a pouting lip. The poor child? _He_ was the one who deserved sympathy! Not Potter! Potter always got away! Instead of voicing his thoughts he questioned her, perhaps she could be of use after all.

"You know of Avada Kedavera?" He asked in a slimy voice. She took a timid step back then hesitantly offered the book.

"It's all in the book…" She whispered. Voldemort snatched the book from her as the older man pushed her back. Voldemort skimmed through the text and scowled.

"Everything is here! Who is this J.K. Rowling person? She must die for killing me!" Voldemort screeched. Just then, Orochimaru jumped down from the trees trying to grab Sasuke who had sensed him at the last moment and jumped away. There were several surprised gasps and whirling heads between the two pale men.

"They could be twins." The blonde whispered in awe.

"Shut up Naruto." The black haired one growled.

"Like I would ever be related to this wanna-be impostor!" Orochimaru shrieked as he pulled out his kunai and aimed it at Voldemort.

"You're the wanna-be impostor!" Voldemort yelled angrily as he pulled out his wand.

"We may want to get back..." Sakura said softly while taking a hold of her sensei's shirt sleeve trembling slightly. They nodded and took a seat on the grass a few feet away then proceeded to watch the battle before them.

"What are you going to do with a pathetic excuse for a twig?" Orochimaru sneered.

"Twig? How dare you insult me! This is my wand, a wand with great power!" Voldemort sneered back.

"Oh sure." Orochimaru said with an eye roll as he picked up a twig from the ground, "Look it's my wand watch me murder a marshmallow with it." He tossed the twig away and turned to Voldemort, "Fight me for real impostor! I'll show you to imitate me!" Orochimaru charged and the fight began with many cheers from their ninja audience. Minutes later Tsunade came charging down with a few of her most trusted ANBU behind her.

"What's going on? There are high powered chakra's coming from here!"

"Orochimaru and Voldemort are fighting." Naruto said cheerfully.

"The one from the book you gave me?" Tsunade asked Sakura.

"Yes, strange isn't it."

"Hm…I wonder who will win…"

"We can take care of things later." Kakashi said, "Just watch."

"Sweet!" Tsunade said with a smile as she sat next to Team Seven, "So who's winning?"

"Orochimaru." The team answered at once.

"This Voldemort character doesn't seem so scary." Naruto voiced loudly.

Voldemort aimed a killing curse at Orochimaru, ignoring the loud blond…for now, Orochimaru promptly dodged and countered with his own attack and used chakra to follow behind it popping up into Voldemorts face, then he stole his wand and snapped it in half and tossed it to the ground. Voldemort sputtered and shock came over his face.

"You _broke_ my _wand_!" Voldemort screamed as Tsunade passed popcorn to the team and her ANBU.

"For the last time, it's _just_ a stick, pick another one up from the ground and fight me you pansy!" Orochimaru said while bouncing back and forth on his feet.

"It's not a bloody stick!" Voldemort screamed jumping up and down in a rare show of his temper. Orochimaru gave a short whine.

"Ugh, we'll continue this later! I have to pee!"

"Oh no impostor I'm killing you now! Pick a tree!"

"No way! I'll kill you another day! Now goodbye!" Orochimaru ran away holding his crotch and trying his hardest not to pee himself. Voldemort growled and grabbed his broken wand, upon looking close enough one could see the slight trembling of his lip and the tear that welled up in his red eyes. Sitting on the ground he cradled his broken wand in his arms and rocked himself. A black portal opened in front of them.

"My Lord!" Someone in a scary looking mask called.

"Tsunade-sama, this is getting good, I need more popcorn." Sakura called. Tsunade nodded and handed her a tub.

"Oh no! Not again." One man sighed, "He's doing it _again_!"

"My Lord, we can't keep the portal open long, please come." One called out to him.

"Th-They broke-ed my wand…" Voldemort sniffed.

"I'll get the hot chocolate." One said with a sigh.

"I'll get the unicorn body pillow." Another sighed.

"I Suppose I can grab the bath salts and the rubber ducky."

"I'll get the frog towel!"

"And I suppose we can grab the Dark Lord." Two others mumbled as they stepped through the portal. Together they picked up the dark lord and patted him in practiced ways as they went through the portal mumbling practiced words of encouragement as someone grabbed a tiny funeral box for the broken wand with the portal closing behind them.

"Well I can't say I saw that ending coming." Sasuke mumbled as he popped another piece of buttered popcorn in his mouth.

**Hope you guys enjoyed! ^.^**


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